Falling

“maybe tonight you’re scared of falling, and maybe there’s somebody here or somewhere else you’re thinking about, worrying over, fretting over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you’re gonna land, and i gotta tell you, friends, to stop thinking about the landing, because it’s all about falling.” – David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

I have my earbuds in blaring music more often than not. Spotify is the most utilized app on my phone, and I always have at least two pairs of earbuds on me. Music definitely helps me navigate life and all of my emotions daily.

But you know how Spotify creates playlists for their users based on the music that is frequently played? When I opened the app this morning, Spotify had created a special playlist for me titled “Your Summer Rewind,” composed of the songs I listened to most last year. Sounds fun, right? Who doesn’t like to reminisce about those wonderful summer days? WRONG. As I scrolled through the playlist, I grew depressed.

I spent most of the previous summer texting and talking to a friend. But he wasn’t just any friend. He was, at that time, the closest friend I had ever had. I don’t make friends easily, and to open up to someone and feel comfortable is rare for me. We had been in class together that year, and had always enjoyed each other’s company. Throughout the summer, we grew closer. We would talk all through the day and all through the night. We would share our hopes for the future, our worries, our regrets, our secrets – everything. And throughout the summer, we gradually fell for each other. I kept trying to get over him, because I never believed he would ever fall for me. What guy could ever be attracted to me? I’m not exactly the typical girlfriend material. I had fallen for guys before, and every time I had been hurt. But as I continued to work to shut out any feelings I was developing for him, I only found myself falling further and further for him. I tried to prepare myself for him to break my heart, until one day he actually asked me out.

We dated for several months. It was like a dream come true. A guy liking me?! I never believed that would happen!!! And to date my best friend who I had been crushing over?! He sent me sweet “goodnight” texts, I woke up to more texts from him, and I no longer felt so lonely at school. I actually began to believe that some guy could see me as beautiful.

As we continued to date, though, he began to change – he no longer joked around with me or wanted to talk about anything substantial like we had done all summer. He wasn’t the person I had fallen for that summer. When we broke up, not only did I lose a boyfriend, but I also lost my closest friend. I lost the one person who knew me best. It’s been several months, and I don’t miss dating him or regret breaking up with him. But, at times, I really miss the friend I used to have. I miss the conversations late into the night and the joking around. I’ve found myself reaching for my phone to text him, only to remember that we haven’t talked in months.

Part of our friendship was sharing our favorite music with each other. Looking at the Spotify playlist, I realized most of the music consisted of songs he had sent me. It reminded me of the friend I had lost. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t agreed to go out with him. What if I had just forced myself to get over him and only see him as a friend? Would we still be friends? If I had never fallen, would I still have the friend I miss so much? There’s a danger that comes to falling for someone. You risk the chance of being hurt or losing someone important to you. It’s because of this that I’m so afraid to fall for anyone. I try to shut out any emotions I have or any dreams I have that come when I begin to fall.

So many fears come with falling for someone. What if you lose him forever? What if he doesn’t fall for you? What if he breaks your heart? Because when you fall, you give him the ability to hurt you.

And yet, at the same time, the feeling of falling is so beautiful – the butterflies and excitement that come when you’re around him, the inability to not smile when you see him or hear his name, the joy that flows through your blood when he smiles at you or talks to you, the dreaming of long talks into the night, the small possibility that he may dream of you too. While you may get hurt at the end, does the true happiness from dreaming make it worth it? Or what if the landing isn’t so bad? Maybe we should stop thinking about the landing and just fall.

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