Falling – Part 2

Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” – John Green, Looking For Alaska

“You like someone who can’t like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot.” – John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

I’m a very independent person. I don’t like to depend on anyone, and I never like to feel as if I need someone in order to be happy. I don’t trust people easily as I’ve discovered that in most cases they tend to eventually leave. I tell myself that I will never have to get married – that I should always put my dreams and my career before any guy.

Because I’ve found that denying myself the opportunity to fall for someone and to dream is the only way I can protect myself from being hurt. So I try to build a wall.

And yet, at times, that wall is completely destroyed and my heart is a victim to my dreams and my constant wishing and hoping. I’m not saying that I’m always dreaming of a fairy-tale story and true love. Not at all. It’s only when I’ve found someone who makes me laugh, who makes me smile, who makes me nervous, and who makes me forget about the nightmares that usually follow my dreams.

We don’t know each other that well, and we don’t go to the same school. We only see each other in the summer, but we’ve talked a lot lately, and it seems that the more I talk to him the deeper I fall. He’s really funny, and kind, and has the best smile. I like him… a lot. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, he feels the same. I begin to think that my life could be just like a Hollywood movie – endless summer nights of walks along the beach, watching the magical sunsets, long car drives listening to our favorite music… But I know that would never happen. Because this isn’t some cheesy rom-com or a perfect, happily-ever-after fairy-tale. This is life – it’s messy, and it often hurts.

So I keep trying not to dream. I keep trying to wake the hell up and stop hoping. But, I don’t know. As painful as the ending often is and as much as the cuts and scars sting, the wishing is so beautiful. So why can’t I keep dreaming? At least for a little while longer…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: