“You say you’ve been through this before
You gave away all your secrets
To someone who up and left you in pieces
I know the feeling, believe me
I know the prices you’ve gotta pay
I’m sacrificing my freedom
And all just to get somebody to see me
Nobody said it was easy
My heart’s been broken and broken and broken and broken
But I keep, keep on hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping
That if it keeps on breaking and breaking and breaking and breaking
Them one day it’ll open and open and open and open and open for you
I know we’ve both been afraid
But we can’t run from the wind and the thunder
When we’re dancing under the rain, the rain, the rain” – Rain, Ben Platt
I tend to ruin every friendship or relationship I ever have. Sooner or later, they either leave or I walk away before they can hurt me. I’ve damaged some of the best friendships I’ve ever had, because I struggle to believe that someone would want to stick by my side, even after seeing who I truly am.
Before I began my senior year, I told myself I had to change. This year, I wasn’t going to try to hide who I was. This year, I wasn’t going to hate myself. I wasn’t going to care what others thought about me. I was going to believe that I’m an amazing person and the world should know who I truly am.
It’s about a month into school, and I’ve stuck to this goal. And you know what? It feels good. It feels so good. Life is so much easier, and the only thing I regret is taking eighteen long years to figure it out.
I’ll admit I do struggle at times. Deep down, I’m afraid to be hurt. I’ve let too many people play with my heart, only to have it broken and bruised. So when I do want to open my heart to someone, I find it really difficult to believe that maybe, this time, I won’t be hurt.
I like this guy, and I know this guy is worth it. He’s smart, funny, entertaining, kind… sure, he isn’t as cute as Ben Platt, but he’s close. I’ll admit to falling for guys who aren’t always the best, but this guy isn’t just another one. And this time, I’ve actually believed in myself enough to text him first, to talk to him, and to have confidence in myself enough to believe that he might actually like talking to me. But I’m still afraid to go for it. Because what if he doesn’t like me back? What if I lose him? And what if I break again?
But I think there comes a time when you just have to go for it. You have to love yourself enough to know that no matter how he feels, you’ll be okay. You have to love yourself enough to believe that it isn’t just an insane idea that he could possibly love you too. And you have to not care if it’s scary or crazy as hell! You just gotta go for it. Because what if you don’t?